A Semi-Permanent Pause, For Now

How do I put this?  How do I communicate this without sounding harsh or callous?

The bottom line is that, at this moment, we aren’t pursuing our adoption from India.  We aren’t closed to adoption, or India, nor are we saying that we won’t move forward at a later time. However, at this moment, as of today, we aren’t planning on continuing the process we began 15 months ago.  This decision is a result of months of conversations and mulling and prayers.

When I last posted, it was a 6-month overview.  I had completed everything but two annoying pieces of paper (proof of life insurance and most recent tax forms).  Each of those took 6 months longer than they should have.  Then, our agency came to us and said that, because our business lost money last year, we needed to have an extra year of tax returns to prove that we had fixed the problem and were back on track.  This would postpone any movement on the process until tax time of this year (2018).

Since my last post, we have basically been sitting on our hands, waiting.  And, in that time, we have felt…. nothing. 

Not that all life decisions are based on emotions.  However, as we think and pray about the adoption from India, there is this void that feels lifeless and listless.  There is no direction, no nudging, no excitement or passion, no enthusiasm, no drive, and no brick upside the head that says “go”. 

Our pastor and his wife came over this evening for a while.  As we talked about life, they asked about our adoption process and where we were at on it all.  We shared the reasons why the process had stopped, and our uncertainty about going forward.  We really value the clarity they gave us as they helped us put words to our previously scattered thoughts.

Both Philip and I feel strongly that ceasing the process should not be because “it is just to hard” or “there was a bump in the road” or “we don’t want our comfortable life to change”.

Goodness, we know that adoption is hard, full of bumps, and will completely change our lives.  We have experienced that and live it every day.  We love adoption and see the Gospel lived out around our dinner table every day. We don’t want to be selfish and keep our lives safe and predictable.  We are willing to take the leap of faith and open our family up to whatever God would have. 

I suppose that is the clincher: we really aren’t sure that this is what God would have.  If Philip and I had even the tiniest notion that we should continue this adoption, we’d be full steam ahead.  But, there is not even that.

If we were to pursue adoption in the days and weeks to come, it would be out of stubborn bullheadedness to a direction we were nudged over a year ago.  A year ago, we did obey, we did begin the adoption process, and we did open our hearts and home to a new child.  We believe that God closed that door and paused that process. 

The pause in our process really wasn’t anything we could have prevented.  It was outside our control.

So, now, as things are at a standstill, we would like to see God nudge us again.  We are willing to begin again (as it would be basically from scratch).  We are willing to be led by God and move forward in obedience to Him.  However, at this time, neither of us see adoption as a current pursuit for our family. 

We love adoption.

     We love children.

          We are burdened for the fatherless.

We see a need and will advocate for those who cannot speak for themselves.

     We would love to adopt again someday.

          We have a full plate now.

We are content with where God has our family and ministry.

     We are open to a different direction.

          We have an open heart and home.

We trust God to make His best for our family clear to us.

With all that, we rest.  We rest knowing that God is not the author of confusion, and that He knows how to communicate to us in a way that we understand.  For now, our family will not work towards adding another child from India.  Frankly, I feel a great peace with that.  It stinks in some ways, but is very freeing in other ways.

I’ll keep the blog active.  Who knows?  God does crazy things and I might just need an anonymous blog to share His works in our lives and our family!  Until then, tchau!

March-September

March:

Got my passport mailed off to be renewed today. Only cried once over a form I had to redo.
Got tax forms from the CPA, and hoping to get a letter from them soon- have to verify that they can write it since they aren't "real" "CPA"s, but other registered tax pros.
Also did all the medical forms we could- have to finish them Friday afternoon. Have a form missing tho- I have no idea where it went. It's an easy form, but I really don't want to have to redo it, so I'm hoping its with the other form still in the office.
I had nightmares last night about paperwork and travel, and woke up with my stomach in knots over it.
Philip has a massage person coming once a week for Anastasia, and I get a massage too, which is AMAZING and a totally lif--

September:

Well, the reason I've been silent is......  nothing is happening.  The CPA had to do this past year's taxes, which took some time.  Trough some mistakes and other hoops, it's finally complete.  6 months later.

Also, the life insurance we needed to get also took 6 months. Our insurance agent had to use two different companies because the first company took misinformation about Philip (that he is a smoker... which he is not) and refused to change their report or the amount per month they wanted to charge us. So that took longer than expected, but we got the letter in the mail last week that said we have life insurance now.

SO.  Maybe we can get things moving again.  The break has been ok, though.  It has been a busy summer.  I went to Brazil, Philip was at camp for a week, and Anastasia moved to Indonesia.  Lots of happenings in the household these past few months.  Now that it's September, the crazies seem to be settling down a little.  We implemented a chore chart, and began some preschool here at home with the kids.

I'll have to reboot my brain as I get back into adoption paperwork.  I don't remember what I was working on 6 months ago, or what paperwork had to be redone or changed.  I am sure some of the notaries will need to be redone since they might have expired.  I don't know.  I'm avoiding it for today, and I'll tackle it soon.

But that's all for now.

First Home Study Visit

We did it!  We survived!!!!!!  Today was the first of our two home visits from our social worker.  Whew.  Last night I was up until 2am, not cleaning.  Actually, I was working on stuff for my sister's baby shower on Sunday (tomorrow) and chatting with a friend that is going through some tough times. It was good.

I also discovered that the toilet was clogged downstairs, and at 2am could not find the toilet plunger. So, this morning, within minutes of our SW coming, I was running to the hardware store to buy a toilet plunger.

The sales clerk asked me, cheerfully, "So how is your day?!"
I blinked at her. "Um, I am buying a toilet plunger."
She sort of startled and was like, "Crappy day, huh?"

Otherwise, things went really well today. Our SW got here as the kiddos needed to go to nap, so we kept them up just a little longer so she could do the home inspection part upstairs in their rooms and whatnot.  She also asked them questions like, "Are you excited about having as sibling?" "Will you share your toys?" "What happens when you get into trouble?" "What are some of your favorite things to do?" "What happens when you're sad?" "Who cooks?" "What is your favorite food?"

Both kiddos listed hotdogs (and only hotdogs) as their favorite food.  I NEVER MAKE HOTDOGS.  I have no idea to what they are talking about. Otherwise, there was nothing horribly shocking.  Philip and I both got to be in on the interview.  I was really grateful that did not become an issue.

After the kiddos were at nap, she asked Philip and I questions about strengths in our relationship, the toughest things we have been through as a couple, our favorite memories, how we worked together, if we had made a decision on schooling (private, public or homeschool), etc.  She asked a lot of questions about how we planned to incorporate Indian culture into our home, which we didn't have fantastic ideas for.  She was super understanding and gracious (praise God) about the entire thing, especially me not cleaning everything, and I felt like things went really well.  She also interviewed Stasia, finished the home inspection, and gave us a rundown on the things we needed to have complete before her next visit next week.  Stasia's interview lasted less than 10 minutes, so I guess it went well.

We were not required to have things like baby gates or outlet plugs. Our first HS, we went overboard and had everything on hand, almost all of which we didn't need with the kiddos.  I think having healthy, happy kiddos on site was an advantage: proving we have done this before and haven't completely gummed it up.

One thing our SW was really excited about was the booklet we made our kiddos about their story.  This booklet includes pictures of their first mamas, the town they grew up in, and an age-appropriate explanation of how they came to be a part of our family.

Fingerprints are taking 6 weeks or so to complete, and some of the other background stuff is taking really long.  Some of that is outside our control, so we will finish up as much as we can in the next week, and hang tight for the stuff we still need.

Kicking Butt

Ok.  Whew.  I have one insane weekend ahead of me, but at the moment I'm feeling pretty great about it.  I spent about 5 hours last night, and another 3+ hours today working on adoption stuff, and I see the end in sight.

Specifically, Philip now has his "list" of items to do, and he knocked out 3 of them already.  (Woot woot!)  They are the financial documents that make my head ache. When I stopped by the police department, the girl at the desk was so supportive and awesome-- she made my day, and knocked out our "good conduct" letters within 3 hours.  Philip is picking them up as I type. The police officers were awesome to the kiddos.  It does my heart good when law enforcement and first responders are kind to my small folks.  Someone in uniform can be scary, so I appreciate the help teaching the kiddos that law enforcement are real people, and are the good guys.

I wrote about 5 letters last night and today, explaining that I am unemployed, explaining that we don't need alternative childcare outside the home, explaining that Philip's brother and sister-in-law will take care of the kiddos should we not be able to (so morbid), explaining that we actually like India and are excited to have a child from there, etc.  All of this will need to be notarized, and none of it really seems like something that would carry weight in real life.  But, for the sake of India's government, we will jump through their hoops and barrels and give them whatever makes their heart happy.

Tchau for now.

_______

Ha ha, when the girl called from the police department, I told her my husband would stop by and pick them up, and that he was a hot blond guy.  So, when Philip went in, she took one look at him and exclaimed "Oh! You're the dad."  Poor Philip had no idea how she recognized him, or the context of that until he got home.  He was rather mortified.

Continued Crazies

At some point, this craziness is gonna stop.  Maybe after Sunday.

So, my schedule goes thusly:
Tonight, I have a massage.  This is bliss.  I'm also making a big family diner.
Tomorrow my husband has an appointment in the morning, we have Tae Kwon Do in the evening, both the kiddos' class and ours. I'll need to stop by the town sheriff's office tomorrow to see if we can get the "we are not criminals" letter from them, notarized.  (Oh, I also need to stop by the doctor's office tomorrow too)
Friday afternoon is two of our fingerprinting appointments, and Friday evening is the kiddos' martial arts belt testing, along with a large meal for the Bible Study crew.  Blessings to the inventor of crockpots.
Then Saturday we have a home visit with the social worker, which is a surprise since I forgot we talked about having a meeting this weekend.  I was all psyched up for the one on the 12th, but evidently we need another face-to-face meeting, and had talked about having it this weekend.  Saturday night is dinner with friends.
Sunday, Philip is preaching and it's also my sister's baby shower (which I'm partly in charge of).
Monday is a pleasant nothing.

I was reminded I forgot to schedule fingerprinting appointments, which need to be done before Sunday, and I also need to help my cousin with hers-- I hate asking things of her, but this sorta needs to happen soonish.

I refuse to deep-clean the house for the social worker.  We live here.  I have two small children and a husband and a life, and am just not gonna stress about cleaning.  However, I should probably put away the clean, folded laundry that's currently residing on the couch.  Details.

Our SW mentioned needing individual interviews with each family member, inducing the kiddos.  Mama-bear came out, and I needed to confirm that we would be able to be in the room during the kiddos' interview. She will double check on this, but both Philip and I feel strongly that one or the other of us will begin the room during that interview.  It's not that we don't trust her.  It has nothing to do with trust, but rather our 3 and 4 year olds being interviewed apart from mama.  Not cool.  Evidently it is mostly questions about how they feel about a new little sibling, and if they have any questions about adoption.  My Facebook "India Adoption" Group peeps are telling me not to worry, so I'll try to believe them.  But, we will be at the interview.

At the moment, I need to be writing some letters for the Dossier, need to bug the Husband about getting some financial reports done, and bug my reference letter peeps about getting those to me soonish.

The medical reports are on target, I think.  Oh, we need to stop back by the doctor's office tomorrow to show a negative TB test. The kiddos needed the skin test, which we had yesterday at Philip's physical appointment.  They were rockstars- even though it involved needles and a little pain, neither cried, and both were incredibly brave.  This is a HUGE improvement over the last (and only) time Anya had to give blood, where the entire staff in that wing knew us because of her screams.

Hopefully I covered all my bases with the medical stuff.  I really don't want to have to redo anything. I even had a nightmare about it.

Got some great friends praying for me.  It's really really hard not to tell other friends about this process, and I really REALLY hope they take it well that I've been hiding this from them for months. We had a play date today with a friend, and she was asking what was going on in life, etc.  It seemed natural to explain about all the craziness, but I couldn't really.  I'm proud of the kiddos for keeping their mouths shut about it too-- They aren't excited yet, but it is something that is taking up some of mama's time and it would be reasonable for them to talk about it.

This last week, Philip and I were in Cuba for a week.  I can't express how wonderful it was.  Just the time with Philip, with no obligations or responsibilities, no technology, no children, and no meals to prep.  For reals, I felt so refreshed!  It was so good for Philip and I too, just to spend that time together apart from the stress of every day life.  We had some good laughs and good talks.

Ok, I need to be done procrastinating the letter-writing.  Tchau!

The Ups and Downs. Wow.

Wow, this process has continued to be a series of ups and downs.

After last week's stress, I was literally crying out to God asking for His help. Specifically, I asked Him to provide a notary for us that was able to be flexible and travel to appointments, and could maybe be our "person" through the entire process.  The next morning, I texted a super organized, office-y professional friend, to ask if she or someone in our church was a notary.  She surprised me by telling me she was considering getting licensed.  After hearing our need, she applied for licensing the next day, submitted the paperwork the day after, and has her license now to walk with us through this whole thing.

Wow.  What a gracious God.  What a gift He gave me, hearing my prayer, and dropping someone in my lap who is so loving and compassionate to us and our growing family.

The phone calls continue, and I still need to track down a new doctor.  Somehow the process doesn't seem nearly as intimidating as it once did.

I called one doctor today, and was told, snobbishly, that "We aren't interested in accepting that kind of appointment."  Ok, then! I am praying for a doctor who has a heart for kiddos and is willing to help us bring our child home, even though our family will not be long-term patients.

Also this week was a friend's memorial service, a doctor visit with my cousin, a super bowl party, visiting missionaries, Bible study, the kiddos' normal schedule of Tae Kwon Do class and Bible club, shopping with my grandma, church, a baby-shower-planning meeting, and our first meeting with our social worker. Whew.

Friday night rolled around and I stopped functioning.  I was exhausted, and simply couldn't "people" anymore.

We also have a perfect example of why we aren't telling people about our adoption.  Because of an ice storm a ways north of us, we had to reschedule our social worker meeting from Saturday morning to Monday night.  If the world knew about our adoption, we would have to explain 50 times over why our meeting didn't take place Saturday.  Instead, we rescheduled quietly, and it was less headache for everyone. We will let people in on the more exciting part of the process. This paper-chasing part is somewhat anticlimactic.

Earlier, someone insisted on misunderstanding me, drew erroneous conclusions about me, and told me I was unloving, unforgiving, and not a Christian. It was so hard, especially because it happened in front of the kiddos.

It gave us a chance, though, to talk with the kiddos about emotions.  We discussed what emotions were present during the earlier conversation (sadness, anger) and what were good ways to express these feelings.

Philip and I are concerned that maybe we don't let the kiddos express emotions enough (required adoption training: it's making us evaluate and think!). However, when asked what to do when we feel angry, our 4-year-old son immediately piped with with "Pray to God about it!"

Wow.  Praise God that His truth and love is having impact in my kiddos' lives. That was not the answer we were expecting, but we are so grateful that they are learning to turn to God and learning that He cares for them.

This evening was our first visit with our social worker.  So many emotions in one day.  From crying because of someone's anger towards me and unkind words, to apprehension surrounding the meeting.

God, in His goodness, answered prayer. I really love our social worker! From our previous communication, I have been getting the vibe that she is pretty chill.  I was so grateful to find out that she is actually quite normal! She is insanely driven, busy, organized and motivated, but with a realistic outlook, a kind nature, and a down to earth personality.  She is very relatable.  She also loves coffee as much as we do.   I feel really comfortable with her, and I actually am excited to work with her to make all this happen.  She isn't someone who makes you feel pressured or as if she's holding you to some standard, which is good. Ha!

I learned about an app called Tiny Scanner, where you can photograph something with your phone, and have it emailed as a scanned attachment.  Woot woot! This makes life so much easier for those of us that are technologically challenged!

So,  I have about 1/3 of the paperwork in.  We are in process of background checks, which will need fingerprinting.  There is some financial paperwork that needs done, some CPA stuff, and the dreaded medical stuff left.  Otherwise, that's about it! We set up meeting times for the actually home visit and followup appointment.  The goal is to have everything done and the actual Home Study written by the end of March, first of April.  Wow, that seems fast.

Once our home study is written, we can submit our paperwork to India.

Chat later.

Stress and "Pregnancy Hormones"

This post has taken me over a week to digest and process, mostly because some of my emotions from a week ago were so raw and unfiltered.  So, here is a slightly-edited version!

Last Monday:

*** Raw emotions and frayed nerves alert ***

Note accompanying a box of tea, to
share with our siblings about the
new baby

Oh my goodness. Please make it stop.  My mind and heart is on a roller coaster.  I am so ready to just throw up my hands and not touch this process again.  Not really, but sorta.

This weekend, we announced our adoption from India to a special and close group of people.  We love and trust these folks, and wanted their prayer support as we proceed in this process.  However, after sharing our plans, everyone just sat there like we requested ham instead of turkey for lunch.

Philip pointed out that I can't have it both ways.  I can't ask for things to be low-key but also sorta wish people would be excited.  Philip's perspective is probably accurate, but I still felt let down.  It's one of those adoption things; sometimes people don't see adoption as exciting as a pregnancy.

Granted, after everything, one dear lady did express deep excitement and support for us, which was encouraging. Her sincere joy was really touching.

So, after taking my mini-tantrum to the Lord, and calming down a little, we went home and prepared to tell our kiddos and my mom about our pending adoption.  God answered prayer, and it was so incredibly sweet.

We started by reminding our kiddos of the children in India that need mamas and daddies. We then asked what they thought we could do about this? My daughter enthusiastically suggested we send toys and clothes to them.  I love her generous and sweet heart.  We explained that was a great idea, but the children there still did not have a mama or a daddy.  Our son piped up, "We can bring one here and we can be their mama and daddy!"

I started to cry.  Thank you, God, for giving our children hearts to love others.  They are excited to be a big brother and a big sister, and might have suggested bringing two home at the same time. Um.

Next was my mom.  We had a few things wrapped in a gift bag for her, all of which were made in India. We enclosed a card explaining the connection between these items and her next grandchild: all made in India. She was thrilled, and so excited for us, just like I thought she would be.  It was really fun to share with her.  My in-laws were equally as supportive and enthusiastic.

Somehow in all this I am feeling like a complete failure on so many different levels.  I see the massive list of things to acquire for out home study and it takes all the fight right out of me. I look around my house at all the mess and unfinished projects, and feel my chest squeeze and my breath leave me.  My kiddos play and break something, and I don't respond with patience. They bounce off the walls and my endurance grows thing.  So many little things, and they pile up to feel like a mountain.

How am I supposed to effectively bring into this craziness another child?

I found out our naturopath cannot do our medical exams, so I need to find someone else.  More phone calls, more doctors visits, more arranging schedules, more planning and more toting my kiddos all over creation. More.  When I feel like I don't have any more to give.

Just this morning at church, I was feeling so grateful for the support system and the solidity of the church we have. And right now I am practicing deep breathing and bathing myself in essential oils so I don't hyperventilate.

I think I scared my husband.  He quietly brought me a cup of stress-relief tea and then has left me alone since.

Maybe it's the sheer quantity of work looming over me.  Maybe it's the changes coming down the pike. Maybe it's feeling like there is so much asked of me when I'm already barely keeping my head above water. Maybe because I don't think people see the real "me", the girl who's a total mess on the inside.

Matthew chapter 9 talks about a father who was frantically asking Jesus for help on behalf of his son. The father expressed skepticism in the midst of the situation.  He asked Jesus to help if He could and said, "But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!"

There are so many truths I know about God and about Scripture.  I know this adoption is the direction God would have us head for now. I know God is good, and His faithfulness will see me through this. I know that all things are possible if I believe.  I know everything will be done in God's perfect timing. I know that it is God Who does the leading and guiding and placing and the putting-all-things-together thing. Most of me believes this, yet I still cry out "help my unbelief". 

So, here's to another Monday tomorrow, putting on my big girl panties, foraging ahead, and clinging to the Savior and repeatedly taking all my crazies to Him, because He is good.

Special Needs Charts

While the kiddos were playing quietly today, I sat down with the chart of special needs.  We have to fill out the chart of various special needs, and indicate if we are open to this need, possibly open, or closed to it. There is also a place for notes.

Needs like HIV, partial blindness or vision issues, dwarfism, cleft lip/palate, heart conditions, etc I am vaguely familiar with, or at least can pronounce the concept, if not give specifics about the condition.  Other needs like thalassemia and hydrocephalus?  I have no idea.

So I just sat down and googled, and copied and pasted some definitions into a document so that Philip can read over them.

How do we sort through this?  How do I determine which needs I am more able to handle than other needs?  How much is too much? Do I limit it to correctable needs?  How do I differentiate between needs that my family can readily accept into daily life and other needs that are too disruptive to my "perfect" little family life?  What about mental or developmental needs? How scared am I to face something new and adapt?  How ready am I to open myself to something God may be wishing to bless me with, even if it's outside my comfort zone?

How many trips to the doctor's office do I want to make?  Am I up for specialists and repeated surgeries and treatments and medications?  How much of a learning curve do I want here?

The easy answer is "a missing baby toe is acceptable." And if that is what we are up for, that's fine.  But, how do we listen to what God is asking of us?  How do we, with open minds and hearts, make responsible and realistic decisions for our family?

I really don't know.

Home Studies and Whatever Else I'm Working On

I think I'm working on a HomeStudy now.  We were assigned a program coordinator who is our "go-to" person for the next step of the process-- actually, we were assigned two of them- one for the Dossier and one for the Home Study-- one is Leslie and one is Elise.

They each e-mailed us the packets, which I printed.  There are lists, instructions, and sample forms in these packets.  I got two thick 3-ring binders on Amazon, as well as those folders that go in binders that are sort of cut away so you can easily get paper in and out.  I got about 25 folders.  I'm sure I'l need more, but for the moment they are helping me sort. I have one folder for the disclosure statements, one for the residential histories, one for the autobiographical questionnaires, one for the medical forms, one for the background check forms....  etc etc.  There are a ton.  My cousin has already had to fill out paperwork also, simply because she lives with us.

Thankfully, we can scan and email forms in as we complete them, instead of sending everything in at once.  That would be a huge undertaking, but this way it is spread out a little, and we have time to redo forms if something doesn't get done correctly.

I am choosing not to panic yet. I'll get everything figured out and get into the groove of it all.  Leslie and I scheduled our first meeting. There have to be 3 total, one of which in our home.  The one one in the home will also need to include interviews with each of the 3 of us adults-- cousin included. I'm not as worried about that one.  For our first HS years ago, I cleaned the house spotless, stressed over everything, and generally freaked out.  This time around, honestly, I don't care.  I have two small children, and we live here.  The dust can just stay under the couch and the crumbs can just stay under the table. So what.

It was exhausting to do the autobiographical questionnaire.  It was 3 pages of questions all about our life, background, and future. Questions like, "Describe your relationship your parents when you were a child, and how has it changed since then?" and "How did your parents handle stress? How do you handle stress as an adult?" and "Describe any traumatic experiences in your marriage" and "What are the strengths and weaknesses of your marriage? How did you meet your spouse, what drew you to him/her, and what did they see in you?"

3 pages of similar questions, also including questions about our expectations as the child comes home, how we anticipate that transition happening, and what our support system looks like when we need help.

I have dealt with my past, various difficulties with my home life growing up, and how that affected my adult life.  That still does not mean it's fun to rehash all of that. In fact, it's quite exhausting to think through and present years of emotional garbage in a succinct, non-scary way.  There will be questions I need to answer during the home study interview, but I am prepared for them and will deal with them as they come.

I am really hoping our naturopath can fill out the forms for the medical exam.  I love her and feel like she has a good understanding of our family and that she is on our "side" supporting our role as parents.  Still waiting to hear back from Leslie though about that. I would really hate to go to a new doctor for an exam. Ugh.

Because of the letters of recommendation etc that we will need, we will probably have to tell family and close friends about our adoption sooner than anticipated. This whole thing seems pretty surreal, like an act of paperwork-laden obedience rather than a child's life redeemed. My heart doesn't feel much for the new baby yet, but I know that will change.  So, I know that people will be excited for us, and probably more enthusiastic about it that I will be.  Since it doesn't seem "real" yet, I just feel a little hollow about sharing it. Our first HS meeting/orientation is in two weeks.  So, within the next week, we will need to share with our church board as well as our parents/siblings, AND our kids.

The kiddos' gauge of time is sketchy, at best.  I know they aren't going to understand the whole "in a year or so" thing, and the life changing concept will be that they are getting a new sibling.  I am honestly not so sure how they will react or what questions they will have.  Well, Sissy will want to know if the child will be brown.  Buddy will probably take more time to ponder the concept. We'll see.

Another thing we are working on is the education part.  We are required to have about 12 hours of adoption education, including some online seminars.  The lady that gives the seminars is so annoying our heads might just pop off.  However, so far we have survived.  We also have a book to read and questions to answer about the book.  That is going to be a tough one for my husband since he doesn't like to sit and read much.

First Barrage of Paperwork

Good afternoon!

We were "officially" accepted into the AWAA India program today! I spoke briefly with the intake coordinator, answered a few questions, and then received via e-mail our first paperwork set.  Woot woot.  Here we go!

First steps are filling out things like program agreements, acknowledging client rights and responsibilities, grievance procedures, some service plans and program fees.  We will need to send in our first set of fees ($2800) with this paperwork.

This is the easy part, and I can fill out all this stuff from my desk.  :) We will mail it in asap, and be on our way!  We will be assigned a contact person here soon, and he/she will become our primary contact within the agency.  I really hope we get along with him/her, ha ha.  He/she will be nice, right?  And accommodating to our crazy life?

Paper cuts awaiting.

The Beginning... All Over Again

12.12.16

We did it.  We submitted our application.  We submitted the required family photo, and we paid the application fee.  We have officially applied to the agency, and thus starting our next adoption.  I felt pretty nerve-y yesterday.  Sorta jittery and on edge.

We had talked and decided that during the kiddos' nap time yesterday we would finish the application.  It was something I was unsure about; how much to push and how much to let Philip take the lead.  As it was, I feel comfortable about the process so far, and I feel like it has been a joint effort.  We finished the application in short order, and it was a positive experience.

The only people we have told so far are those we have asked to do reference letters for us (4 people: pastor, two random friends, and our martial arts instructor).  We haven't even told our parents, which is sorta freaky.  We will probably wait a while longer yet.  It's mostly because of not wanting to drag people through the emotional process and length of time and fuss of it all.  We will probably tell them when we finish our home study and begin the Dossier.

All of my kiddos' clothes gets handed down to younger kiddos in our church, which is super great.   I actually pulled a few things aside out of those bags, just in case.  I don't know the age or gender of Indiana (Indie-Anna or Indiana Jones??) so I don't know what gender of clothes to save.  So, I'll pass down everything but a few special items, and hope that maybe I will get hand-me-downs from someone in return when the time comes.

But all that aside.  We did it.  We began.

Now we will wait for AWAA to review the application and tell us we can begin gathering paperwork. My hands are gonna hate all the paper cuts they are gonna get, but it's still better than morning sickness.

What About The Money?

In an earlier post, I asked about willingness to adopt if money was not an issue.  I really mean it: that money is NOT the issue at hand.  Countless times throughout our first adoption, we did not have the finances to proceed, yet God supplied in seemingly miraculous ways.  We firmly believe that if you are walking with God, seeking Him, and waiting on Him, He WILL provide what you need for your adoption.  There are myriads of grants and loans available for adopting families.  There are millions of feasible and viable fundraising ideas.  There are many many people that want to see kiddos in families, even if they cannot do it themselves.  They are happy to help a willing family with the expenses.  God values kiddos in families, and if this is what He has for your family, the finances will not be the stumbling block.  Trust Him with that.  Take a step of faith and look into adoption and see if the idea is right for your family, even if the financial aspect is not "perfect".

Here are is a site with 17 links to adoption grants and loans: 

Christian Adoption Services

Independent Adoption Center offers a list of financial aid and tax credits, including a link to discounted airfare for traveling families.

Nightlight offers a list of 27 financial aid opportunities, including those for kids with special needs and parents with military background. 

Here is a MASSIVE list of adoption fundraiser ideas, alphabetized. 

A fantastic list of 22 ways to raise money.

And another 101 ways to raise money for adoption.

Friends, I beg you.  Do not let finances be the hinderance to adoption.  This list I complied was from a very simple google search.  There are a million more ideas available.  The support network is there. It is just up to you to tap into the resources available to you. 

Narrowing It Down: Agency Choices

After looking at many agencies, I was able to narrow down my selection to four agencies.  Each of these agencies had decent-good reviews, programs that were comparable with what we were looking for, and seemingly good customer service/interaction.  Here is my chart for these 4 agencies:

Indeed, I would feel fairly comfortable working with any of these four.  The question was now: Which one???

I filled out pre-applications on three of the 3 agencies.  A pre-app is somewhat of an introduction, and covers some basic information to see if you qualify to adopt and what countries you qualify for.  At this point, most of the agencies I spoke with were directing me to India.  Because of our desired timeframe and other specifications, virtually all of the original 14 agencies I spoke with said that India might be a good choice.  One agency spoke about Burundi, Africa.  I was very excited about this agency and program until I read many negative reviews on that agency.

So, India.  Brownish kiddos, some varriyng special needs, young children available, and an 18-ish month process. Ok.

Each of these agencies were telling me about the same thing in regards to the process, which was reassuring.  I spoke with representatives of each agency and gathered as much information as I could.

Things we asked about: If the staff had traveled to the country? How long the staff had held their positions at the agency? How many children had been placed this past year? How many families were in process? None of the answers were "deal breakers" but it gave us a good feel for how the agency was operating.  We also read everything on the websites including the staff bios, to get a feel for the background of the people tat would help us expand our family.

At one point, I mentioned to Philip that our contact at a particular agency seemed very informative and helpful, but could benefit by having more personality.  He laughed, and we agreed that personality (or lack thereof) was not a reason to discount an agency.  Staff sometimes changes (often, in the case of our previous adoption) so choosing an agency based solely on one person's personality is not always wise.

Through much prayer and thought, I narrowed the choices to America World Adoptions, and Children's House International.  I really liked Nightlight also, but they place kiddos a little older than what we are hoping for.  The Lutheran Social Services just sorta went by the wayside for no apparent reason.  I really liked Children House, but compared to the focus and vision for America World, I was more inclined to choose America World.

Drawbacks to America World: They seem to be very conservative and strict in their faith-based commitments.  Part of the application process is signing a simple doctrinal statement and agreeing that you will raise your child in a strong Christian environment.  While this is not at all a problem for Philip and I, I can see where it would be a challenge and deal-breaker for many good families wishing to adopt.  Children's House International does not have this aspect, and I would encourage families to look into that agency also.

Both Philip and I feel comfortable with the choice of America World Adoption Association (AWAA).    The times we have spoken to them, they have been helpful.  They communicate clearly and return calls in a timely fashion.  When our contact didn't know the answer, she found it and had a knowledgable person call and speak with Philip.  He was impressed with the prompt response, and felt comfortable with the answers given.

AWAA has an online application, and at the moment it is mostly filled out.  It involves some financial information, which I do not have ready access to and would rather delegate to Philip.  It also involves some things Philip needs to fill out for himself.  Along with the application is a $250 application fee. We have already been pre-approved through the pre-application, so I do not doubt that we will be accepted into the program.  I mean, who wouldn't want to give us kids??   That is where we stand at the moment.

There really isn't a neon sign flashing that says "Philip and Anna: adopt now!" but there is a virtual  neon sign highlighting the needs in the world around us.  We are reasonably established as a family, and our kiddos consistently demonstrate a heart of compassion and tenderness for the unfortunate.  We are confident they will lovingly accept a new child.  We agree that, 18 months from now, we will wish we had started the adoption process now.  A child won't land tomorrow on our doorstep, so we will take the first steps and put things in motion now.

Philip nicknamed our new child "Indiana".  I somewhat prefer "Indie", but the concept is the same.  Boy or girl, one or two...  we really don't know!  But we are committed to poking ahead and seeing what doors God opens, and how He directs our steps.  We know that man plans his ways, but the Lord directs steps, and we trust Him to do just that as we move forward in faith.  (Proverbs 16:9)

Continue to follow the blog for our next steps and big decisions ahead!

Next Post: what about the money?

Agencies And a Tsunami of Information

Searching for an agency is overwhelming.  Even for me, who has walked this adoption thing before, looking for an agency to help us expand our family is incredibly overwhelming.  Here is how I did it.

I googled "adoption agency ratings" and similar search terms.  They have websites that "rate" agencies based on reviews and business practices.  I began there by looking at agency websites that dealt with international adoptions.  I looked at agencies that had programs in locations I was interested in (Africa, South America).  I also Googled for agencies that work in specific countries.

On the agency websites, there are brief summaries of requirements for each country program: age range for parents, ages of kiddos available, common medical needs available, total time to complete the adoption, how long you need to travel in the country, etc.

I began and Excel document to spreadsheet my findings.  On the left hand side, I had agency names, and then in the columns I made a grid for country programs, age of kiddo, total time, if siblings were often available, if we would adopt two unrelated kiddos, who the contact person was, if I had contacted them, etc.  My spreadsheet looked something like this, with the agencies I was most interested in highlighted in yellow or orange:

I looked at probably 50 agencies, and added 14 to my spreadsheet to look into further.

A note about agencies: There are two main parts to an adoption: Home study and Dossier.  A Home study (HS) is done by an agency in your state, a social worker comes to your home, and it completes the requirements within the USA certifying you are a safe home for a child to be placed in.  A Dossier is almost identical, but certifies to the international country that they are placing their child in a safe home.  If an agency is in your home state or has an office there, they will do your home study.  If they are outside your state, a local agency/social worker will do your home study, and then share that home study with your placing agency: the agency that you are actually working with to bring the child home.

I emailed each of these 14 agencies, and asked for general information.  Some I heard back from, some I did not.  Some information I was able to glean for their website, some I needed to talk to an actual human about to begin to fill in my spreadsheet.

One agency gave me conflicting information as I spoke with them compared to what was on their website.  I crossed them off my list.  One agency just felt weird, so I crossed them off my list too.  Some agencies placed kiddos that were older than we are looking for, so they were crossed out.  Some agencies had consistently poor reviews, so I crossed them off also, even though they looked like a great agency.

Note about agency reviews:  An agency is more likely to get negative reviews than positive ones.  Happy families don't share as often as frustrated ones, so there will be negative reviews on virtually any agency.  Take a moment to look at the reviews, the dates they were posted, and what the complaint is about.  Not all complaints are applicable.  For example, the entire country of Russia closed its doors to adoption a few years ago.  It was tragic, painful, and awful for the families that were in process and had already met "their" kids in Russia.  It had nothing to do with specific agencies.  So, while a family might be frustrated at the agency because their adoption was not able to be completed, the outcome really wasn't dependent on the agency, but rather the country itself.  Also, I have a hard time taking complaints seriously if they don't use correct grammar, spelling and punctuation.  Just sayin'.

Next post: narrowing it down

Where In The World?!?

We chose international.  For a myriad of reasons, we chose to pursue an international adoption.  Many of the reasons are still the same from when we adopted the first time: we love cultures, travel, different people groups, and we want to bring that into our home.  We also see the need globally and our hearts are burdened.

What's the next step?

Decide on a country and an adoption agency.

Factors that will play into this decision:

• Timeframe: How long do you want your process to take?
• Location: Are there cultures or people groups that you are more or less drawn to?
• Age: How old of a child are you hoping to bring into your family?  Also, how old are you?  Different countries have different requirements about the age of the parents in relation to the ages of kiddos.
• Color: Do you want your kiddo to be a specific color?  While this may seem odd, your family WILL stand out if you're all white except one.  Is it important that your child "look like you" or does it matter?
• Special Needs: Are you desiring a healthy child or are you open to various levels of special needs?  Special needs include everything from a missing toe to HIV+ to simply being an older child to needing lifelong care.

For us, we wanted a shorter process.  Our first adoption took 4 years, and we aren't really ready for that again.  We would like a child that is potentially brownish.  It is not important that a child look like us, and our daughter is beginning to notice skin differences.  A browner child might fit in with the original two kiddos a little better.  

We would like to maintain a substantial age gap between the first two kiddos and the next one.  Our first two kiddos are VERY close both in age and in relationship.  A third child that is close in age could disrupt this bond, and could be damaging to relationships.  So, we would like a young child, ideally between 0-18months at the time of referral.

At the time of what??  Referral: when you are "matched" with a child and you get their photo/description/medical info and have the chance to say "yes" or "no" to being their parent.

We are drawn to African or South American countries, as well as India since it is a subcontinent and has it's own culture within Asia.  Asian culture is not a great fit with our family, but India seems to be a little different.  Countries that seem to have established adoption programs right now include China, India, Colombia, Mexico, Haiti, and several in Eastern Europe (Bulgaria, etc).  There are others, but these seem to be the big ones right now.

We are willing to consider some special needs.  Adopting a "healthy" baby is pretty rare and the wait can be quite long.  There are many needs that would not affect the child's quality of life or are correctable, and we are willing to explore those needs and see if it is something we are able to help with or would be a good fit for our family.  Some of the needs we might consider are: cleft lip and palate, missing finger/toe/hand, club foot, lazy eye, burns or scars, etc.  One of the factors we have had to consider is if the need would be accepted by our extended family.  While this seems selfish, there are some generational prejudices against some things where we are not sure the child would feel accepted in our family.  

Next post: Agencies

Where To Start? Domestic vs. International?

One thing that we have discussed many times is how to help our friends begin their own adoptions.  Many people have watched us and our family, and the consensus seems to be: "Good for you. That is too complicated for me.  I wouldn't even know where to begin."

If we could scream one thing to the world around us, it would be "YOU CAN ADOPT!  IT IS POSSIBLE!"

Finances, paperwork, time, and research aside, if you want to bring a child into your home, it IS possible.

The first question you need to ask is if nothing stood in your way, is this is something you want to do?  If the answer is "yes!" come along with us on our journey and learn a bit about the steps we are taking and how we are processing and making decisions.  Maybe the mystery of it all will be diminished enough and you will be emboldened to begin your own adoption journey.  As always, ask hard questions, wonder aloud, and I will be happy to share as much as I can to help.

One of the first questions you need to ask: Do I want to adopt domestically (from the USA) or internationally?

The needs are great everywhere.  A few statistics to get you started:

• 425,000 children in the US foster care system.
• 107,918 need forever families right now.

That means that there are over 100,000 kids that are currently waiting for a family like yours to say "yes" to them.  Kids wait in the foster care system an average of 3 years before being adopted.  3 years without a mama or a daddy.  3 years without a sense of belonging.  YOU have the ability to change that.

Each year, over 20,000 kids age out of the foster care system.  They turn 18 and are launched into the world without any place to call home or a family to belong to. YOU can change this.  

What happens to those kids?

• Only half graduate from hi-school 
• Less than 3% graduate from college 
• 84% Became a parent by the age of 21 
• Half are unemployed by the age of 24 
• 1 in 4 have been homeless 
• 1/3 are receiving public assistance

Again, YOU can change the world for one of these children.

These statistics are just those here in the USA.  Internationally, the statistics are much higher and more poignant.  

Adopting internationally is both the same and different.  International process is often longer, more expensive, and involves second or third world governments.  It involves cultures, languages, translations, and astronomical needs.

Did you know that the country of India is about 1/3 the land mass of the USA?  However, it contains 4 times the population of the USA.  Crazy! There are about 20 million orphans in India.  This is about 4% of their population, and is comparable to the entire population of Romania.  

The need, ladies and gentlemen, is astronomical.

YOU can change the world for one of these children.  

As yourself: is a child's life worth some inconvenience on your part?  Adoption is inconvenient.  I'm not gonna lie.  However, is valuing what God values and obeying Him more or less important that the comfortable life you have made for yourself?

Join us on our inconvenient journey as we explore what God might have in mind for us and our family.

Starting: The Very Beginning

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we think we might start again. For the last year or so, my husband and I have talked about adopting a second time. It has been quite the adventure with our first two, but we feel as though it might be time to add another child to the craziness.

I'll introduce ourselves later, I think.  For now, all ya'll need to know is that we are Anna and Philip, and we love Jesus, love each other, and love the kiddos God has given us.

In one sense, I don't want to adopt again. I like my family of 5 just the way it is. Me, my husband, my cousin, and my two amazing kiddos. We are perfectly happy and content, just the 5 of us. Really, my heart, mind, and home is perfectly fine. just. the. way. it. is.

But. Adoption isn't about me. It's not about what I want or need. It's not about filling some hole in my life or fulfilling some dream. It's about God.

Adoption, for us, is about obedience. It's about valuing what God values, doing what He does, and being His hands and feet to those in need. It's about doing what He says to do: "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." James 1:27

After all, HE is the One who puts families together. "A Father of the fatherless and a Judge for the widows, is God in His holy habitation. God makes a home for the lonely" Psalm 68:5-6

It's not like I can force an adoption, or force children into my family.  God puts families together.  He values children, and His heart is tender towards those that are alone.  

Recently, a friend was sharing how children resemble their parents.  At least, a child that is walking in fellowship and learning from their parent will come to resemble the parent in attitudes, actions, and values.  In the same way, if we walk with God and learn from Him, we will begin to resemble Him in our attitudes, actions, and values.  

God values adoption.  After all, He adopted us.  He made us a part of His family.  He placed His own son into an adoptive family so that He could pay our adoption price through His death. Adoption is something God takes very seriously.  I must also.

After much prayer, tears, discussion and a bit of rebellion on my part, we have decided to move forward with adoption another child or two.  

Welcome to our process.