Stress and "Pregnancy Hormones"

This post has taken me over a week to digest and process, mostly because some of my emotions from a week ago were so raw and unfiltered.  So, here is a slightly-edited version!

Last Monday:

*** Raw emotions and frayed nerves alert ***

Note accompanying a box of tea, to
share with our siblings about the
new baby

Oh my goodness. Please make it stop.  My mind and heart is on a roller coaster.  I am so ready to just throw up my hands and not touch this process again.  Not really, but sorta.

This weekend, we announced our adoption from India to a special and close group of people.  We love and trust these folks, and wanted their prayer support as we proceed in this process.  However, after sharing our plans, everyone just sat there like we requested ham instead of turkey for lunch.

Philip pointed out that I can't have it both ways.  I can't ask for things to be low-key but also sorta wish people would be excited.  Philip's perspective is probably accurate, but I still felt let down.  It's one of those adoption things; sometimes people don't see adoption as exciting as a pregnancy.

Granted, after everything, one dear lady did express deep excitement and support for us, which was encouraging. Her sincere joy was really touching.

So, after taking my mini-tantrum to the Lord, and calming down a little, we went home and prepared to tell our kiddos and my mom about our pending adoption.  God answered prayer, and it was so incredibly sweet.

We started by reminding our kiddos of the children in India that need mamas and daddies. We then asked what they thought we could do about this? My daughter enthusiastically suggested we send toys and clothes to them.  I love her generous and sweet heart.  We explained that was a great idea, but the children there still did not have a mama or a daddy.  Our son piped up, "We can bring one here and we can be their mama and daddy!"

I started to cry.  Thank you, God, for giving our children hearts to love others.  They are excited to be a big brother and a big sister, and might have suggested bringing two home at the same time. Um.

Next was my mom.  We had a few things wrapped in a gift bag for her, all of which were made in India. We enclosed a card explaining the connection between these items and her next grandchild: all made in India. She was thrilled, and so excited for us, just like I thought she would be.  It was really fun to share with her.  My in-laws were equally as supportive and enthusiastic.

Somehow in all this I am feeling like a complete failure on so many different levels.  I see the massive list of things to acquire for out home study and it takes all the fight right out of me. I look around my house at all the mess and unfinished projects, and feel my chest squeeze and my breath leave me.  My kiddos play and break something, and I don't respond with patience. They bounce off the walls and my endurance grows thing.  So many little things, and they pile up to feel like a mountain.

How am I supposed to effectively bring into this craziness another child?

I found out our naturopath cannot do our medical exams, so I need to find someone else.  More phone calls, more doctors visits, more arranging schedules, more planning and more toting my kiddos all over creation. More.  When I feel like I don't have any more to give.

Just this morning at church, I was feeling so grateful for the support system and the solidity of the church we have. And right now I am practicing deep breathing and bathing myself in essential oils so I don't hyperventilate.

I think I scared my husband.  He quietly brought me a cup of stress-relief tea and then has left me alone since.

Maybe it's the sheer quantity of work looming over me.  Maybe it's the changes coming down the pike. Maybe it's feeling like there is so much asked of me when I'm already barely keeping my head above water. Maybe because I don't think people see the real "me", the girl who's a total mess on the inside.

Matthew chapter 9 talks about a father who was frantically asking Jesus for help on behalf of his son. The father expressed skepticism in the midst of the situation.  He asked Jesus to help if He could and said, "But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!"

There are so many truths I know about God and about Scripture.  I know this adoption is the direction God would have us head for now. I know God is good, and His faithfulness will see me through this. I know that all things are possible if I believe.  I know everything will be done in God's perfect timing. I know that it is God Who does the leading and guiding and placing and the putting-all-things-together thing. Most of me believes this, yet I still cry out "help my unbelief". 

So, here's to another Monday tomorrow, putting on my big girl panties, foraging ahead, and clinging to the Savior and repeatedly taking all my crazies to Him, because He is good.