How do I put this?
How do I communicate this without sounding harsh or callous?
The bottom line is that, at this moment, we aren’t pursuing
our adoption from India. We aren’t
closed to adoption, or India, nor are we saying that we won’t move forward at a
later time. However, at this moment, as of today, we aren’t planning on continuing
the process we began 15 months ago. This
decision is a result of months of conversations and mulling and prayers.
When I last posted, it was a 6-month overview. I had completed everything but two annoying pieces
of paper (proof of life insurance and most recent tax forms). Each of those took 6 months longer than they
should have. Then, our agency came to us
and said that, because our business lost money last year, we needed to have an
extra year of tax returns to prove that we had fixed the problem and were back
on track. This would postpone any
movement on the process until tax time of this year (2018).
Since my last post, we have basically been sitting on our
hands, waiting. And, in that time, we
have felt…. nothing.
Not that all life decisions are based on emotions. However, as we think and pray about the
adoption from India, there is this void that feels lifeless and listless. There is no direction, no nudging, no
excitement or passion, no enthusiasm, no drive, and no brick upside the head
that says “go”.
Our pastor and his wife came over this evening for a
while. As we talked about life, they
asked about our adoption process and where we were at on it all. We shared the reasons why the process had
stopped, and our uncertainty about going forward. We really value the clarity they gave us as
they helped us put words to our previously scattered thoughts.
Both Philip and I feel strongly that ceasing the process
should not be because “it is just to hard” or “there was a bump in the road” or
“we don’t want our comfortable life to change”.
Goodness, we know
that adoption is hard, full of bumps, and will completely change our
lives. We have experienced that and live
it every day. We love adoption and see the
Gospel lived out around our dinner table every day. We don’t want to be selfish
and keep our lives safe and predictable.
We are willing to take the leap of
faith and open our family up to whatever God would have.
I suppose that is the clincher: we really aren’t sure that
this is what God would have. If Philip and I had even the tiniest notion that we should continue
this adoption, we’d be full steam ahead.
But, there is not even that.
If we were to pursue adoption in the days and weeks to come,
it would be out of stubborn bullheadedness to a direction we were nudged over a
year ago. A year ago, we did obey, we did begin the adoption process, and we did open our hearts and home to a new child. We believe that God closed that door and
paused that process.
The pause in our process really wasn’t anything we could
have prevented. It was outside our control.
So, now, as things are at a standstill, we would like to see
God nudge us again. We are willing to
begin again (as it would be basically from scratch). We are willing to be led by God and move
forward in obedience to Him. However, at
this time, neither of us see adoption as a current pursuit for our family.
We love adoption.
We love children.
We are burdened for the fatherless.
We see a need and will advocate for those who cannot speak
for themselves.
We would love to adopt again someday.
We have a full plate now.
We are content with where God has our family and ministry.
We are open to a different direction.
We have an open heart and home.
We trust God to make His best for our family clear to us.
With all that, we rest.
We rest knowing that God is not the author of confusion, and that He
knows how to communicate to us in a way that we understand. For now, our family will not work towards
adding another child from India. Frankly, I feel a great peace with that. It stinks in some ways, but is very freeing
in other ways.
I’ll keep the blog active.
Who knows? God does crazy things and I might just need an anonymous blog to share His works in our
lives and our family! Until then, tchau!
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