March-September

March:

Got my passport mailed off to be renewed today. Only cried once over a form I had to redo.
Got tax forms from the CPA, and hoping to get a letter from them soon- have to verify that they can write it since they aren't "real" "CPA"s, but other registered tax pros.
Also did all the medical forms we could- have to finish them Friday afternoon. Have a form missing tho- I have no idea where it went. It's an easy form, but I really don't want to have to redo it, so I'm hoping its with the other form still in the office.
I had nightmares last night about paperwork and travel, and woke up with my stomach in knots over it.
Philip has a massage person coming once a week for Anastasia, and I get a massage too, which is AMAZING and a totally lif--

September:

Well, the reason I've been silent is......  nothing is happening.  The CPA had to do this past year's taxes, which took some time.  Trough some mistakes and other hoops, it's finally complete.  6 months later.

Also, the life insurance we needed to get also took 6 months. Our insurance agent had to use two different companies because the first company took misinformation about Philip (that he is a smoker... which he is not) and refused to change their report or the amount per month they wanted to charge us. So that took longer than expected, but we got the letter in the mail last week that said we have life insurance now.

SO.  Maybe we can get things moving again.  The break has been ok, though.  It has been a busy summer.  I went to Brazil, Philip was at camp for a week, and Anastasia moved to Indonesia.  Lots of happenings in the household these past few months.  Now that it's September, the crazies seem to be settling down a little.  We implemented a chore chart, and began some preschool here at home with the kids.

I'll have to reboot my brain as I get back into adoption paperwork.  I don't remember what I was working on 6 months ago, or what paperwork had to be redone or changed.  I am sure some of the notaries will need to be redone since they might have expired.  I don't know.  I'm avoiding it for today, and I'll tackle it soon.

But that's all for now.

First Home Study Visit

We did it!  We survived!!!!!!  Today was the first of our two home visits from our social worker.  Whew.  Last night I was up until 2am, not cleaning.  Actually, I was working on stuff for my sister's baby shower on Sunday (tomorrow) and chatting with a friend that is going through some tough times. It was good.

I also discovered that the toilet was clogged downstairs, and at 2am could not find the toilet plunger. So, this morning, within minutes of our SW coming, I was running to the hardware store to buy a toilet plunger.

The sales clerk asked me, cheerfully, "So how is your day?!"
I blinked at her. "Um, I am buying a toilet plunger."
She sort of startled and was like, "Crappy day, huh?"

Otherwise, things went really well today. Our SW got here as the kiddos needed to go to nap, so we kept them up just a little longer so she could do the home inspection part upstairs in their rooms and whatnot.  She also asked them questions like, "Are you excited about having as sibling?" "Will you share your toys?" "What happens when you get into trouble?" "What are some of your favorite things to do?" "What happens when you're sad?" "Who cooks?" "What is your favorite food?"

Both kiddos listed hotdogs (and only hotdogs) as their favorite food.  I NEVER MAKE HOTDOGS.  I have no idea to what they are talking about. Otherwise, there was nothing horribly shocking.  Philip and I both got to be in on the interview.  I was really grateful that did not become an issue.

After the kiddos were at nap, she asked Philip and I questions about strengths in our relationship, the toughest things we have been through as a couple, our favorite memories, how we worked together, if we had made a decision on schooling (private, public or homeschool), etc.  She asked a lot of questions about how we planned to incorporate Indian culture into our home, which we didn't have fantastic ideas for.  She was super understanding and gracious (praise God) about the entire thing, especially me not cleaning everything, and I felt like things went really well.  She also interviewed Stasia, finished the home inspection, and gave us a rundown on the things we needed to have complete before her next visit next week.  Stasia's interview lasted less than 10 minutes, so I guess it went well.

We were not required to have things like baby gates or outlet plugs. Our first HS, we went overboard and had everything on hand, almost all of which we didn't need with the kiddos.  I think having healthy, happy kiddos on site was an advantage: proving we have done this before and haven't completely gummed it up.

One thing our SW was really excited about was the booklet we made our kiddos about their story.  This booklet includes pictures of their first mamas, the town they grew up in, and an age-appropriate explanation of how they came to be a part of our family.

Fingerprints are taking 6 weeks or so to complete, and some of the other background stuff is taking really long.  Some of that is outside our control, so we will finish up as much as we can in the next week, and hang tight for the stuff we still need.

Kicking Butt

Ok.  Whew.  I have one insane weekend ahead of me, but at the moment I'm feeling pretty great about it.  I spent about 5 hours last night, and another 3+ hours today working on adoption stuff, and I see the end in sight.

Specifically, Philip now has his "list" of items to do, and he knocked out 3 of them already.  (Woot woot!)  They are the financial documents that make my head ache. When I stopped by the police department, the girl at the desk was so supportive and awesome-- she made my day, and knocked out our "good conduct" letters within 3 hours.  Philip is picking them up as I type. The police officers were awesome to the kiddos.  It does my heart good when law enforcement and first responders are kind to my small folks.  Someone in uniform can be scary, so I appreciate the help teaching the kiddos that law enforcement are real people, and are the good guys.

I wrote about 5 letters last night and today, explaining that I am unemployed, explaining that we don't need alternative childcare outside the home, explaining that Philip's brother and sister-in-law will take care of the kiddos should we not be able to (so morbid), explaining that we actually like India and are excited to have a child from there, etc.  All of this will need to be notarized, and none of it really seems like something that would carry weight in real life.  But, for the sake of India's government, we will jump through their hoops and barrels and give them whatever makes their heart happy.

Tchau for now.

_______

Ha ha, when the girl called from the police department, I told her my husband would stop by and pick them up, and that he was a hot blond guy.  So, when Philip went in, she took one look at him and exclaimed "Oh! You're the dad."  Poor Philip had no idea how she recognized him, or the context of that until he got home.  He was rather mortified.

Continued Crazies

At some point, this craziness is gonna stop.  Maybe after Sunday.

So, my schedule goes thusly:
Tonight, I have a massage.  This is bliss.  I'm also making a big family diner.
Tomorrow my husband has an appointment in the morning, we have Tae Kwon Do in the evening, both the kiddos' class and ours. I'll need to stop by the town sheriff's office tomorrow to see if we can get the "we are not criminals" letter from them, notarized.  (Oh, I also need to stop by the doctor's office tomorrow too)
Friday afternoon is two of our fingerprinting appointments, and Friday evening is the kiddos' martial arts belt testing, along with a large meal for the Bible Study crew.  Blessings to the inventor of crockpots.
Then Saturday we have a home visit with the social worker, which is a surprise since I forgot we talked about having a meeting this weekend.  I was all psyched up for the one on the 12th, but evidently we need another face-to-face meeting, and had talked about having it this weekend.  Saturday night is dinner with friends.
Sunday, Philip is preaching and it's also my sister's baby shower (which I'm partly in charge of).
Monday is a pleasant nothing.

I was reminded I forgot to schedule fingerprinting appointments, which need to be done before Sunday, and I also need to help my cousin with hers-- I hate asking things of her, but this sorta needs to happen soonish.

I refuse to deep-clean the house for the social worker.  We live here.  I have two small children and a husband and a life, and am just not gonna stress about cleaning.  However, I should probably put away the clean, folded laundry that's currently residing on the couch.  Details.

Our SW mentioned needing individual interviews with each family member, inducing the kiddos.  Mama-bear came out, and I needed to confirm that we would be able to be in the room during the kiddos' interview. She will double check on this, but both Philip and I feel strongly that one or the other of us will begin the room during that interview.  It's not that we don't trust her.  It has nothing to do with trust, but rather our 3 and 4 year olds being interviewed apart from mama.  Not cool.  Evidently it is mostly questions about how they feel about a new little sibling, and if they have any questions about adoption.  My Facebook "India Adoption" Group peeps are telling me not to worry, so I'll try to believe them.  But, we will be at the interview.

At the moment, I need to be writing some letters for the Dossier, need to bug the Husband about getting some financial reports done, and bug my reference letter peeps about getting those to me soonish.

The medical reports are on target, I think.  Oh, we need to stop back by the doctor's office tomorrow to show a negative TB test. The kiddos needed the skin test, which we had yesterday at Philip's physical appointment.  They were rockstars- even though it involved needles and a little pain, neither cried, and both were incredibly brave.  This is a HUGE improvement over the last (and only) time Anya had to give blood, where the entire staff in that wing knew us because of her screams.

Hopefully I covered all my bases with the medical stuff.  I really don't want to have to redo anything. I even had a nightmare about it.

Got some great friends praying for me.  It's really really hard not to tell other friends about this process, and I really REALLY hope they take it well that I've been hiding this from them for months. We had a play date today with a friend, and she was asking what was going on in life, etc.  It seemed natural to explain about all the craziness, but I couldn't really.  I'm proud of the kiddos for keeping their mouths shut about it too-- They aren't excited yet, but it is something that is taking up some of mama's time and it would be reasonable for them to talk about it.

This last week, Philip and I were in Cuba for a week.  I can't express how wonderful it was.  Just the time with Philip, with no obligations or responsibilities, no technology, no children, and no meals to prep.  For reals, I felt so refreshed!  It was so good for Philip and I too, just to spend that time together apart from the stress of every day life.  We had some good laughs and good talks.

Ok, I need to be done procrastinating the letter-writing.  Tchau!

The Ups and Downs. Wow.

Wow, this process has continued to be a series of ups and downs.

After last week's stress, I was literally crying out to God asking for His help. Specifically, I asked Him to provide a notary for us that was able to be flexible and travel to appointments, and could maybe be our "person" through the entire process.  The next morning, I texted a super organized, office-y professional friend, to ask if she or someone in our church was a notary.  She surprised me by telling me she was considering getting licensed.  After hearing our need, she applied for licensing the next day, submitted the paperwork the day after, and has her license now to walk with us through this whole thing.

Wow.  What a gracious God.  What a gift He gave me, hearing my prayer, and dropping someone in my lap who is so loving and compassionate to us and our growing family.

The phone calls continue, and I still need to track down a new doctor.  Somehow the process doesn't seem nearly as intimidating as it once did.

I called one doctor today, and was told, snobbishly, that "We aren't interested in accepting that kind of appointment."  Ok, then! I am praying for a doctor who has a heart for kiddos and is willing to help us bring our child home, even though our family will not be long-term patients.

Also this week was a friend's memorial service, a doctor visit with my cousin, a super bowl party, visiting missionaries, Bible study, the kiddos' normal schedule of Tae Kwon Do class and Bible club, shopping with my grandma, church, a baby-shower-planning meeting, and our first meeting with our social worker. Whew.

Friday night rolled around and I stopped functioning.  I was exhausted, and simply couldn't "people" anymore.

We also have a perfect example of why we aren't telling people about our adoption.  Because of an ice storm a ways north of us, we had to reschedule our social worker meeting from Saturday morning to Monday night.  If the world knew about our adoption, we would have to explain 50 times over why our meeting didn't take place Saturday.  Instead, we rescheduled quietly, and it was less headache for everyone. We will let people in on the more exciting part of the process. This paper-chasing part is somewhat anticlimactic.

Earlier, someone insisted on misunderstanding me, drew erroneous conclusions about me, and told me I was unloving, unforgiving, and not a Christian. It was so hard, especially because it happened in front of the kiddos.

It gave us a chance, though, to talk with the kiddos about emotions.  We discussed what emotions were present during the earlier conversation (sadness, anger) and what were good ways to express these feelings.

Philip and I are concerned that maybe we don't let the kiddos express emotions enough (required adoption training: it's making us evaluate and think!). However, when asked what to do when we feel angry, our 4-year-old son immediately piped with with "Pray to God about it!"

Wow.  Praise God that His truth and love is having impact in my kiddos' lives. That was not the answer we were expecting, but we are so grateful that they are learning to turn to God and learning that He cares for them.

This evening was our first visit with our social worker.  So many emotions in one day.  From crying because of someone's anger towards me and unkind words, to apprehension surrounding the meeting.

God, in His goodness, answered prayer. I really love our social worker! From our previous communication, I have been getting the vibe that she is pretty chill.  I was so grateful to find out that she is actually quite normal! She is insanely driven, busy, organized and motivated, but with a realistic outlook, a kind nature, and a down to earth personality.  She is very relatable.  She also loves coffee as much as we do.   I feel really comfortable with her, and I actually am excited to work with her to make all this happen.  She isn't someone who makes you feel pressured or as if she's holding you to some standard, which is good. Ha!

I learned about an app called Tiny Scanner, where you can photograph something with your phone, and have it emailed as a scanned attachment.  Woot woot! This makes life so much easier for those of us that are technologically challenged!

So,  I have about 1/3 of the paperwork in.  We are in process of background checks, which will need fingerprinting.  There is some financial paperwork that needs done, some CPA stuff, and the dreaded medical stuff left.  Otherwise, that's about it! We set up meeting times for the actually home visit and followup appointment.  The goal is to have everything done and the actual Home Study written by the end of March, first of April.  Wow, that seems fast.

Once our home study is written, we can submit our paperwork to India.

Chat later.

Stress and "Pregnancy Hormones"

This post has taken me over a week to digest and process, mostly because some of my emotions from a week ago were so raw and unfiltered.  So, here is a slightly-edited version!

Last Monday:

*** Raw emotions and frayed nerves alert ***

Note accompanying a box of tea, to
share with our siblings about the
new baby

Oh my goodness. Please make it stop.  My mind and heart is on a roller coaster.  I am so ready to just throw up my hands and not touch this process again.  Not really, but sorta.

This weekend, we announced our adoption from India to a special and close group of people.  We love and trust these folks, and wanted their prayer support as we proceed in this process.  However, after sharing our plans, everyone just sat there like we requested ham instead of turkey for lunch.

Philip pointed out that I can't have it both ways.  I can't ask for things to be low-key but also sorta wish people would be excited.  Philip's perspective is probably accurate, but I still felt let down.  It's one of those adoption things; sometimes people don't see adoption as exciting as a pregnancy.

Granted, after everything, one dear lady did express deep excitement and support for us, which was encouraging. Her sincere joy was really touching.

So, after taking my mini-tantrum to the Lord, and calming down a little, we went home and prepared to tell our kiddos and my mom about our pending adoption.  God answered prayer, and it was so incredibly sweet.

We started by reminding our kiddos of the children in India that need mamas and daddies. We then asked what they thought we could do about this? My daughter enthusiastically suggested we send toys and clothes to them.  I love her generous and sweet heart.  We explained that was a great idea, but the children there still did not have a mama or a daddy.  Our son piped up, "We can bring one here and we can be their mama and daddy!"

I started to cry.  Thank you, God, for giving our children hearts to love others.  They are excited to be a big brother and a big sister, and might have suggested bringing two home at the same time. Um.

Next was my mom.  We had a few things wrapped in a gift bag for her, all of which were made in India. We enclosed a card explaining the connection between these items and her next grandchild: all made in India. She was thrilled, and so excited for us, just like I thought she would be.  It was really fun to share with her.  My in-laws were equally as supportive and enthusiastic.

Somehow in all this I am feeling like a complete failure on so many different levels.  I see the massive list of things to acquire for out home study and it takes all the fight right out of me. I look around my house at all the mess and unfinished projects, and feel my chest squeeze and my breath leave me.  My kiddos play and break something, and I don't respond with patience. They bounce off the walls and my endurance grows thing.  So many little things, and they pile up to feel like a mountain.

How am I supposed to effectively bring into this craziness another child?

I found out our naturopath cannot do our medical exams, so I need to find someone else.  More phone calls, more doctors visits, more arranging schedules, more planning and more toting my kiddos all over creation. More.  When I feel like I don't have any more to give.

Just this morning at church, I was feeling so grateful for the support system and the solidity of the church we have. And right now I am practicing deep breathing and bathing myself in essential oils so I don't hyperventilate.

I think I scared my husband.  He quietly brought me a cup of stress-relief tea and then has left me alone since.

Maybe it's the sheer quantity of work looming over me.  Maybe it's the changes coming down the pike. Maybe it's feeling like there is so much asked of me when I'm already barely keeping my head above water. Maybe because I don't think people see the real "me", the girl who's a total mess on the inside.

Matthew chapter 9 talks about a father who was frantically asking Jesus for help on behalf of his son. The father expressed skepticism in the midst of the situation.  He asked Jesus to help if He could and said, "But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!"

There are so many truths I know about God and about Scripture.  I know this adoption is the direction God would have us head for now. I know God is good, and His faithfulness will see me through this. I know that all things are possible if I believe.  I know everything will be done in God's perfect timing. I know that it is God Who does the leading and guiding and placing and the putting-all-things-together thing. Most of me believes this, yet I still cry out "help my unbelief". 

So, here's to another Monday tomorrow, putting on my big girl panties, foraging ahead, and clinging to the Savior and repeatedly taking all my crazies to Him, because He is good.

Special Needs Charts

While the kiddos were playing quietly today, I sat down with the chart of special needs.  We have to fill out the chart of various special needs, and indicate if we are open to this need, possibly open, or closed to it. There is also a place for notes.

Needs like HIV, partial blindness or vision issues, dwarfism, cleft lip/palate, heart conditions, etc I am vaguely familiar with, or at least can pronounce the concept, if not give specifics about the condition.  Other needs like thalassemia and hydrocephalus?  I have no idea.

So I just sat down and googled, and copied and pasted some definitions into a document so that Philip can read over them.

How do we sort through this?  How do I determine which needs I am more able to handle than other needs?  How much is too much? Do I limit it to correctable needs?  How do I differentiate between needs that my family can readily accept into daily life and other needs that are too disruptive to my "perfect" little family life?  What about mental or developmental needs? How scared am I to face something new and adapt?  How ready am I to open myself to something God may be wishing to bless me with, even if it's outside my comfort zone?

How many trips to the doctor's office do I want to make?  Am I up for specialists and repeated surgeries and treatments and medications?  How much of a learning curve do I want here?

The easy answer is "a missing baby toe is acceptable." And if that is what we are up for, that's fine.  But, how do we listen to what God is asking of us?  How do we, with open minds and hearts, make responsible and realistic decisions for our family?

I really don't know.

Home Studies and Whatever Else I'm Working On

I think I'm working on a HomeStudy now.  We were assigned a program coordinator who is our "go-to" person for the next step of the process-- actually, we were assigned two of them- one for the Dossier and one for the Home Study-- one is Leslie and one is Elise.

They each e-mailed us the packets, which I printed.  There are lists, instructions, and sample forms in these packets.  I got two thick 3-ring binders on Amazon, as well as those folders that go in binders that are sort of cut away so you can easily get paper in and out.  I got about 25 folders.  I'm sure I'l need more, but for the moment they are helping me sort. I have one folder for the disclosure statements, one for the residential histories, one for the autobiographical questionnaires, one for the medical forms, one for the background check forms....  etc etc.  There are a ton.  My cousin has already had to fill out paperwork also, simply because she lives with us.

Thankfully, we can scan and email forms in as we complete them, instead of sending everything in at once.  That would be a huge undertaking, but this way it is spread out a little, and we have time to redo forms if something doesn't get done correctly.

I am choosing not to panic yet. I'll get everything figured out and get into the groove of it all.  Leslie and I scheduled our first meeting. There have to be 3 total, one of which in our home.  The one one in the home will also need to include interviews with each of the 3 of us adults-- cousin included. I'm not as worried about that one.  For our first HS years ago, I cleaned the house spotless, stressed over everything, and generally freaked out.  This time around, honestly, I don't care.  I have two small children, and we live here.  The dust can just stay under the couch and the crumbs can just stay under the table. So what.

It was exhausting to do the autobiographical questionnaire.  It was 3 pages of questions all about our life, background, and future. Questions like, "Describe your relationship your parents when you were a child, and how has it changed since then?" and "How did your parents handle stress? How do you handle stress as an adult?" and "Describe any traumatic experiences in your marriage" and "What are the strengths and weaknesses of your marriage? How did you meet your spouse, what drew you to him/her, and what did they see in you?"

3 pages of similar questions, also including questions about our expectations as the child comes home, how we anticipate that transition happening, and what our support system looks like when we need help.

I have dealt with my past, various difficulties with my home life growing up, and how that affected my adult life.  That still does not mean it's fun to rehash all of that. In fact, it's quite exhausting to think through and present years of emotional garbage in a succinct, non-scary way.  There will be questions I need to answer during the home study interview, but I am prepared for them and will deal with them as they come.

I am really hoping our naturopath can fill out the forms for the medical exam.  I love her and feel like she has a good understanding of our family and that she is on our "side" supporting our role as parents.  Still waiting to hear back from Leslie though about that. I would really hate to go to a new doctor for an exam. Ugh.

Because of the letters of recommendation etc that we will need, we will probably have to tell family and close friends about our adoption sooner than anticipated. This whole thing seems pretty surreal, like an act of paperwork-laden obedience rather than a child's life redeemed. My heart doesn't feel much for the new baby yet, but I know that will change.  So, I know that people will be excited for us, and probably more enthusiastic about it that I will be.  Since it doesn't seem "real" yet, I just feel a little hollow about sharing it. Our first HS meeting/orientation is in two weeks.  So, within the next week, we will need to share with our church board as well as our parents/siblings, AND our kids.

The kiddos' gauge of time is sketchy, at best.  I know they aren't going to understand the whole "in a year or so" thing, and the life changing concept will be that they are getting a new sibling.  I am honestly not so sure how they will react or what questions they will have.  Well, Sissy will want to know if the child will be brown.  Buddy will probably take more time to ponder the concept. We'll see.

Another thing we are working on is the education part.  We are required to have about 12 hours of adoption education, including some online seminars.  The lady that gives the seminars is so annoying our heads might just pop off.  However, so far we have survived.  We also have a book to read and questions to answer about the book.  That is going to be a tough one for my husband since he doesn't like to sit and read much.