Stress and "Pregnancy Hormones"

This post has taken me over a week to digest and process, mostly because some of my emotions from a week ago were so raw and unfiltered.  So, here is a slightly-edited version!

Last Monday:

*** Raw emotions and frayed nerves alert ***

Note accompanying a box of tea, to
share with our siblings about the
new baby

Oh my goodness. Please make it stop.  My mind and heart is on a roller coaster.  I am so ready to just throw up my hands and not touch this process again.  Not really, but sorta.

This weekend, we announced our adoption from India to a special and close group of people.  We love and trust these folks, and wanted their prayer support as we proceed in this process.  However, after sharing our plans, everyone just sat there like we requested ham instead of turkey for lunch.

Philip pointed out that I can't have it both ways.  I can't ask for things to be low-key but also sorta wish people would be excited.  Philip's perspective is probably accurate, but I still felt let down.  It's one of those adoption things; sometimes people don't see adoption as exciting as a pregnancy.

Granted, after everything, one dear lady did express deep excitement and support for us, which was encouraging. Her sincere joy was really touching.

So, after taking my mini-tantrum to the Lord, and calming down a little, we went home and prepared to tell our kiddos and my mom about our pending adoption.  God answered prayer, and it was so incredibly sweet.

We started by reminding our kiddos of the children in India that need mamas and daddies. We then asked what they thought we could do about this? My daughter enthusiastically suggested we send toys and clothes to them.  I love her generous and sweet heart.  We explained that was a great idea, but the children there still did not have a mama or a daddy.  Our son piped up, "We can bring one here and we can be their mama and daddy!"

I started to cry.  Thank you, God, for giving our children hearts to love others.  They are excited to be a big brother and a big sister, and might have suggested bringing two home at the same time. Um.

Next was my mom.  We had a few things wrapped in a gift bag for her, all of which were made in India. We enclosed a card explaining the connection between these items and her next grandchild: all made in India. She was thrilled, and so excited for us, just like I thought she would be.  It was really fun to share with her.  My in-laws were equally as supportive and enthusiastic.

Somehow in all this I am feeling like a complete failure on so many different levels.  I see the massive list of things to acquire for out home study and it takes all the fight right out of me. I look around my house at all the mess and unfinished projects, and feel my chest squeeze and my breath leave me.  My kiddos play and break something, and I don't respond with patience. They bounce off the walls and my endurance grows thing.  So many little things, and they pile up to feel like a mountain.

How am I supposed to effectively bring into this craziness another child?

I found out our naturopath cannot do our medical exams, so I need to find someone else.  More phone calls, more doctors visits, more arranging schedules, more planning and more toting my kiddos all over creation. More.  When I feel like I don't have any more to give.

Just this morning at church, I was feeling so grateful for the support system and the solidity of the church we have. And right now I am practicing deep breathing and bathing myself in essential oils so I don't hyperventilate.

I think I scared my husband.  He quietly brought me a cup of stress-relief tea and then has left me alone since.

Maybe it's the sheer quantity of work looming over me.  Maybe it's the changes coming down the pike. Maybe it's feeling like there is so much asked of me when I'm already barely keeping my head above water. Maybe because I don't think people see the real "me", the girl who's a total mess on the inside.

Matthew chapter 9 talks about a father who was frantically asking Jesus for help on behalf of his son. The father expressed skepticism in the midst of the situation.  He asked Jesus to help if He could and said, "But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!"

There are so many truths I know about God and about Scripture.  I know this adoption is the direction God would have us head for now. I know God is good, and His faithfulness will see me through this. I know that all things are possible if I believe.  I know everything will be done in God's perfect timing. I know that it is God Who does the leading and guiding and placing and the putting-all-things-together thing. Most of me believes this, yet I still cry out "help my unbelief". 

So, here's to another Monday tomorrow, putting on my big girl panties, foraging ahead, and clinging to the Savior and repeatedly taking all my crazies to Him, because He is good.

Special Needs Charts

While the kiddos were playing quietly today, I sat down with the chart of special needs.  We have to fill out the chart of various special needs, and indicate if we are open to this need, possibly open, or closed to it. There is also a place for notes.

Needs like HIV, partial blindness or vision issues, dwarfism, cleft lip/palate, heart conditions, etc I am vaguely familiar with, or at least can pronounce the concept, if not give specifics about the condition.  Other needs like thalassemia and hydrocephalus?  I have no idea.

So I just sat down and googled, and copied and pasted some definitions into a document so that Philip can read over them.

How do we sort through this?  How do I determine which needs I am more able to handle than other needs?  How much is too much? Do I limit it to correctable needs?  How do I differentiate between needs that my family can readily accept into daily life and other needs that are too disruptive to my "perfect" little family life?  What about mental or developmental needs? How scared am I to face something new and adapt?  How ready am I to open myself to something God may be wishing to bless me with, even if it's outside my comfort zone?

How many trips to the doctor's office do I want to make?  Am I up for specialists and repeated surgeries and treatments and medications?  How much of a learning curve do I want here?

The easy answer is "a missing baby toe is acceptable." And if that is what we are up for, that's fine.  But, how do we listen to what God is asking of us?  How do we, with open minds and hearts, make responsible and realistic decisions for our family?

I really don't know.

Home Studies and Whatever Else I'm Working On

I think I'm working on a HomeStudy now.  We were assigned a program coordinator who is our "go-to" person for the next step of the process-- actually, we were assigned two of them- one for the Dossier and one for the Home Study-- one is Leslie and one is Elise.

They each e-mailed us the packets, which I printed.  There are lists, instructions, and sample forms in these packets.  I got two thick 3-ring binders on Amazon, as well as those folders that go in binders that are sort of cut away so you can easily get paper in and out.  I got about 25 folders.  I'm sure I'l need more, but for the moment they are helping me sort. I have one folder for the disclosure statements, one for the residential histories, one for the autobiographical questionnaires, one for the medical forms, one for the background check forms....  etc etc.  There are a ton.  My cousin has already had to fill out paperwork also, simply because she lives with us.

Thankfully, we can scan and email forms in as we complete them, instead of sending everything in at once.  That would be a huge undertaking, but this way it is spread out a little, and we have time to redo forms if something doesn't get done correctly.

I am choosing not to panic yet. I'll get everything figured out and get into the groove of it all.  Leslie and I scheduled our first meeting. There have to be 3 total, one of which in our home.  The one one in the home will also need to include interviews with each of the 3 of us adults-- cousin included. I'm not as worried about that one.  For our first HS years ago, I cleaned the house spotless, stressed over everything, and generally freaked out.  This time around, honestly, I don't care.  I have two small children, and we live here.  The dust can just stay under the couch and the crumbs can just stay under the table. So what.

It was exhausting to do the autobiographical questionnaire.  It was 3 pages of questions all about our life, background, and future. Questions like, "Describe your relationship your parents when you were a child, and how has it changed since then?" and "How did your parents handle stress? How do you handle stress as an adult?" and "Describe any traumatic experiences in your marriage" and "What are the strengths and weaknesses of your marriage? How did you meet your spouse, what drew you to him/her, and what did they see in you?"

3 pages of similar questions, also including questions about our expectations as the child comes home, how we anticipate that transition happening, and what our support system looks like when we need help.

I have dealt with my past, various difficulties with my home life growing up, and how that affected my adult life.  That still does not mean it's fun to rehash all of that. In fact, it's quite exhausting to think through and present years of emotional garbage in a succinct, non-scary way.  There will be questions I need to answer during the home study interview, but I am prepared for them and will deal with them as they come.

I am really hoping our naturopath can fill out the forms for the medical exam.  I love her and feel like she has a good understanding of our family and that she is on our "side" supporting our role as parents.  Still waiting to hear back from Leslie though about that. I would really hate to go to a new doctor for an exam. Ugh.

Because of the letters of recommendation etc that we will need, we will probably have to tell family and close friends about our adoption sooner than anticipated. This whole thing seems pretty surreal, like an act of paperwork-laden obedience rather than a child's life redeemed. My heart doesn't feel much for the new baby yet, but I know that will change.  So, I know that people will be excited for us, and probably more enthusiastic about it that I will be.  Since it doesn't seem "real" yet, I just feel a little hollow about sharing it. Our first HS meeting/orientation is in two weeks.  So, within the next week, we will need to share with our church board as well as our parents/siblings, AND our kids.

The kiddos' gauge of time is sketchy, at best.  I know they aren't going to understand the whole "in a year or so" thing, and the life changing concept will be that they are getting a new sibling.  I am honestly not so sure how they will react or what questions they will have.  Well, Sissy will want to know if the child will be brown.  Buddy will probably take more time to ponder the concept. We'll see.

Another thing we are working on is the education part.  We are required to have about 12 hours of adoption education, including some online seminars.  The lady that gives the seminars is so annoying our heads might just pop off.  However, so far we have survived.  We also have a book to read and questions to answer about the book.  That is going to be a tough one for my husband since he doesn't like to sit and read much.