A Semi-Permanent Pause, For Now

How do I put this?  How do I communicate this without sounding harsh or callous?

The bottom line is that, at this moment, we aren’t pursuing our adoption from India.  We aren’t closed to adoption, or India, nor are we saying that we won’t move forward at a later time. However, at this moment, as of today, we aren’t planning on continuing the process we began 15 months ago.  This decision is a result of months of conversations and mulling and prayers.

When I last posted, it was a 6-month overview.  I had completed everything but two annoying pieces of paper (proof of life insurance and most recent tax forms).  Each of those took 6 months longer than they should have.  Then, our agency came to us and said that, because our business lost money last year, we needed to have an extra year of tax returns to prove that we had fixed the problem and were back on track.  This would postpone any movement on the process until tax time of this year (2018).

Since my last post, we have basically been sitting on our hands, waiting.  And, in that time, we have felt…. nothing. 

Not that all life decisions are based on emotions.  However, as we think and pray about the adoption from India, there is this void that feels lifeless and listless.  There is no direction, no nudging, no excitement or passion, no enthusiasm, no drive, and no brick upside the head that says “go”. 

Our pastor and his wife came over this evening for a while.  As we talked about life, they asked about our adoption process and where we were at on it all.  We shared the reasons why the process had stopped, and our uncertainty about going forward.  We really value the clarity they gave us as they helped us put words to our previously scattered thoughts.

Both Philip and I feel strongly that ceasing the process should not be because “it is just to hard” or “there was a bump in the road” or “we don’t want our comfortable life to change”.

Goodness, we know that adoption is hard, full of bumps, and will completely change our lives.  We have experienced that and live it every day.  We love adoption and see the Gospel lived out around our dinner table every day. We don’t want to be selfish and keep our lives safe and predictable.  We are willing to take the leap of faith and open our family up to whatever God would have. 

I suppose that is the clincher: we really aren’t sure that this is what God would have.  If Philip and I had even the tiniest notion that we should continue this adoption, we’d be full steam ahead.  But, there is not even that.

If we were to pursue adoption in the days and weeks to come, it would be out of stubborn bullheadedness to a direction we were nudged over a year ago.  A year ago, we did obey, we did begin the adoption process, and we did open our hearts and home to a new child.  We believe that God closed that door and paused that process. 

The pause in our process really wasn’t anything we could have prevented.  It was outside our control.

So, now, as things are at a standstill, we would like to see God nudge us again.  We are willing to begin again (as it would be basically from scratch).  We are willing to be led by God and move forward in obedience to Him.  However, at this time, neither of us see adoption as a current pursuit for our family. 

We love adoption.

     We love children.

          We are burdened for the fatherless.

We see a need and will advocate for those who cannot speak for themselves.

     We would love to adopt again someday.

          We have a full plate now.

We are content with where God has our family and ministry.

     We are open to a different direction.

          We have an open heart and home.

We trust God to make His best for our family clear to us.

With all that, we rest.  We rest knowing that God is not the author of confusion, and that He knows how to communicate to us in a way that we understand.  For now, our family will not work towards adding another child from India.  Frankly, I feel a great peace with that.  It stinks in some ways, but is very freeing in other ways.

I’ll keep the blog active.  Who knows?  God does crazy things and I might just need an anonymous blog to share His works in our lives and our family!  Until then, tchau!

March-September

March:

Got my passport mailed off to be renewed today. Only cried once over a form I had to redo.
Got tax forms from the CPA, and hoping to get a letter from them soon- have to verify that they can write it since they aren't "real" "CPA"s, but other registered tax pros.
Also did all the medical forms we could- have to finish them Friday afternoon. Have a form missing tho- I have no idea where it went. It's an easy form, but I really don't want to have to redo it, so I'm hoping its with the other form still in the office.
I had nightmares last night about paperwork and travel, and woke up with my stomach in knots over it.
Philip has a massage person coming once a week for Anastasia, and I get a massage too, which is AMAZING and a totally lif--

September:

Well, the reason I've been silent is......  nothing is happening.  The CPA had to do this past year's taxes, which took some time.  Trough some mistakes and other hoops, it's finally complete.  6 months later.

Also, the life insurance we needed to get also took 6 months. Our insurance agent had to use two different companies because the first company took misinformation about Philip (that he is a smoker... which he is not) and refused to change their report or the amount per month they wanted to charge us. So that took longer than expected, but we got the letter in the mail last week that said we have life insurance now.

SO.  Maybe we can get things moving again.  The break has been ok, though.  It has been a busy summer.  I went to Brazil, Philip was at camp for a week, and Anastasia moved to Indonesia.  Lots of happenings in the household these past few months.  Now that it's September, the crazies seem to be settling down a little.  We implemented a chore chart, and began some preschool here at home with the kids.

I'll have to reboot my brain as I get back into adoption paperwork.  I don't remember what I was working on 6 months ago, or what paperwork had to be redone or changed.  I am sure some of the notaries will need to be redone since they might have expired.  I don't know.  I'm avoiding it for today, and I'll tackle it soon.

But that's all for now.

First Home Study Visit

We did it!  We survived!!!!!!  Today was the first of our two home visits from our social worker.  Whew.  Last night I was up until 2am, not cleaning.  Actually, I was working on stuff for my sister's baby shower on Sunday (tomorrow) and chatting with a friend that is going through some tough times. It was good.

I also discovered that the toilet was clogged downstairs, and at 2am could not find the toilet plunger. So, this morning, within minutes of our SW coming, I was running to the hardware store to buy a toilet plunger.

The sales clerk asked me, cheerfully, "So how is your day?!"
I blinked at her. "Um, I am buying a toilet plunger."
She sort of startled and was like, "Crappy day, huh?"

Otherwise, things went really well today. Our SW got here as the kiddos needed to go to nap, so we kept them up just a little longer so she could do the home inspection part upstairs in their rooms and whatnot.  She also asked them questions like, "Are you excited about having as sibling?" "Will you share your toys?" "What happens when you get into trouble?" "What are some of your favorite things to do?" "What happens when you're sad?" "Who cooks?" "What is your favorite food?"

Both kiddos listed hotdogs (and only hotdogs) as their favorite food.  I NEVER MAKE HOTDOGS.  I have no idea to what they are talking about. Otherwise, there was nothing horribly shocking.  Philip and I both got to be in on the interview.  I was really grateful that did not become an issue.

After the kiddos were at nap, she asked Philip and I questions about strengths in our relationship, the toughest things we have been through as a couple, our favorite memories, how we worked together, if we had made a decision on schooling (private, public or homeschool), etc.  She asked a lot of questions about how we planned to incorporate Indian culture into our home, which we didn't have fantastic ideas for.  She was super understanding and gracious (praise God) about the entire thing, especially me not cleaning everything, and I felt like things went really well.  She also interviewed Stasia, finished the home inspection, and gave us a rundown on the things we needed to have complete before her next visit next week.  Stasia's interview lasted less than 10 minutes, so I guess it went well.

We were not required to have things like baby gates or outlet plugs. Our first HS, we went overboard and had everything on hand, almost all of which we didn't need with the kiddos.  I think having healthy, happy kiddos on site was an advantage: proving we have done this before and haven't completely gummed it up.

One thing our SW was really excited about was the booklet we made our kiddos about their story.  This booklet includes pictures of their first mamas, the town they grew up in, and an age-appropriate explanation of how they came to be a part of our family.

Fingerprints are taking 6 weeks or so to complete, and some of the other background stuff is taking really long.  Some of that is outside our control, so we will finish up as much as we can in the next week, and hang tight for the stuff we still need.