The Ups and Downs. Wow.

Wow, this process has continued to be a series of ups and downs.

After last week's stress, I was literally crying out to God asking for His help. Specifically, I asked Him to provide a notary for us that was able to be flexible and travel to appointments, and could maybe be our "person" through the entire process.  The next morning, I texted a super organized, office-y professional friend, to ask if she or someone in our church was a notary.  She surprised me by telling me she was considering getting licensed.  After hearing our need, she applied for licensing the next day, submitted the paperwork the day after, and has her license now to walk with us through this whole thing.

Wow.  What a gracious God.  What a gift He gave me, hearing my prayer, and dropping someone in my lap who is so loving and compassionate to us and our growing family.

The phone calls continue, and I still need to track down a new doctor.  Somehow the process doesn't seem nearly as intimidating as it once did.

I called one doctor today, and was told, snobbishly, that "We aren't interested in accepting that kind of appointment."  Ok, then! I am praying for a doctor who has a heart for kiddos and is willing to help us bring our child home, even though our family will not be long-term patients.

Also this week was a friend's memorial service, a doctor visit with my cousin, a super bowl party, visiting missionaries, Bible study, the kiddos' normal schedule of Tae Kwon Do class and Bible club, shopping with my grandma, church, a baby-shower-planning meeting, and our first meeting with our social worker. Whew.

Friday night rolled around and I stopped functioning.  I was exhausted, and simply couldn't "people" anymore.

We also have a perfect example of why we aren't telling people about our adoption.  Because of an ice storm a ways north of us, we had to reschedule our social worker meeting from Saturday morning to Monday night.  If the world knew about our adoption, we would have to explain 50 times over why our meeting didn't take place Saturday.  Instead, we rescheduled quietly, and it was less headache for everyone. We will let people in on the more exciting part of the process. This paper-chasing part is somewhat anticlimactic.

Earlier, someone insisted on misunderstanding me, drew erroneous conclusions about me, and told me I was unloving, unforgiving, and not a Christian. It was so hard, especially because it happened in front of the kiddos.

It gave us a chance, though, to talk with the kiddos about emotions.  We discussed what emotions were present during the earlier conversation (sadness, anger) and what were good ways to express these feelings.

Philip and I are concerned that maybe we don't let the kiddos express emotions enough (required adoption training: it's making us evaluate and think!). However, when asked what to do when we feel angry, our 4-year-old son immediately piped with with "Pray to God about it!"

Wow.  Praise God that His truth and love is having impact in my kiddos' lives. That was not the answer we were expecting, but we are so grateful that they are learning to turn to God and learning that He cares for them.

This evening was our first visit with our social worker.  So many emotions in one day.  From crying because of someone's anger towards me and unkind words, to apprehension surrounding the meeting.

God, in His goodness, answered prayer. I really love our social worker! From our previous communication, I have been getting the vibe that she is pretty chill.  I was so grateful to find out that she is actually quite normal! She is insanely driven, busy, organized and motivated, but with a realistic outlook, a kind nature, and a down to earth personality.  She is very relatable.  She also loves coffee as much as we do.   I feel really comfortable with her, and I actually am excited to work with her to make all this happen.  She isn't someone who makes you feel pressured or as if she's holding you to some standard, which is good. Ha!

I learned about an app called Tiny Scanner, where you can photograph something with your phone, and have it emailed as a scanned attachment.  Woot woot! This makes life so much easier for those of us that are technologically challenged!

So,  I have about 1/3 of the paperwork in.  We are in process of background checks, which will need fingerprinting.  There is some financial paperwork that needs done, some CPA stuff, and the dreaded medical stuff left.  Otherwise, that's about it! We set up meeting times for the actually home visit and followup appointment.  The goal is to have everything done and the actual Home Study written by the end of March, first of April.  Wow, that seems fast.

Once our home study is written, we can submit our paperwork to India.

Chat later.

Stress and "Pregnancy Hormones"

This post has taken me over a week to digest and process, mostly because some of my emotions from a week ago were so raw and unfiltered.  So, here is a slightly-edited version!

Last Monday:

*** Raw emotions and frayed nerves alert ***

Note accompanying a box of tea, to
share with our siblings about the
new baby

Oh my goodness. Please make it stop.  My mind and heart is on a roller coaster.  I am so ready to just throw up my hands and not touch this process again.  Not really, but sorta.

This weekend, we announced our adoption from India to a special and close group of people.  We love and trust these folks, and wanted their prayer support as we proceed in this process.  However, after sharing our plans, everyone just sat there like we requested ham instead of turkey for lunch.

Philip pointed out that I can't have it both ways.  I can't ask for things to be low-key but also sorta wish people would be excited.  Philip's perspective is probably accurate, but I still felt let down.  It's one of those adoption things; sometimes people don't see adoption as exciting as a pregnancy.

Granted, after everything, one dear lady did express deep excitement and support for us, which was encouraging. Her sincere joy was really touching.

So, after taking my mini-tantrum to the Lord, and calming down a little, we went home and prepared to tell our kiddos and my mom about our pending adoption.  God answered prayer, and it was so incredibly sweet.

We started by reminding our kiddos of the children in India that need mamas and daddies. We then asked what they thought we could do about this? My daughter enthusiastically suggested we send toys and clothes to them.  I love her generous and sweet heart.  We explained that was a great idea, but the children there still did not have a mama or a daddy.  Our son piped up, "We can bring one here and we can be their mama and daddy!"

I started to cry.  Thank you, God, for giving our children hearts to love others.  They are excited to be a big brother and a big sister, and might have suggested bringing two home at the same time. Um.

Next was my mom.  We had a few things wrapped in a gift bag for her, all of which were made in India. We enclosed a card explaining the connection between these items and her next grandchild: all made in India. She was thrilled, and so excited for us, just like I thought she would be.  It was really fun to share with her.  My in-laws were equally as supportive and enthusiastic.

Somehow in all this I am feeling like a complete failure on so many different levels.  I see the massive list of things to acquire for out home study and it takes all the fight right out of me. I look around my house at all the mess and unfinished projects, and feel my chest squeeze and my breath leave me.  My kiddos play and break something, and I don't respond with patience. They bounce off the walls and my endurance grows thing.  So many little things, and they pile up to feel like a mountain.

How am I supposed to effectively bring into this craziness another child?

I found out our naturopath cannot do our medical exams, so I need to find someone else.  More phone calls, more doctors visits, more arranging schedules, more planning and more toting my kiddos all over creation. More.  When I feel like I don't have any more to give.

Just this morning at church, I was feeling so grateful for the support system and the solidity of the church we have. And right now I am practicing deep breathing and bathing myself in essential oils so I don't hyperventilate.

I think I scared my husband.  He quietly brought me a cup of stress-relief tea and then has left me alone since.

Maybe it's the sheer quantity of work looming over me.  Maybe it's the changes coming down the pike. Maybe it's feeling like there is so much asked of me when I'm already barely keeping my head above water. Maybe because I don't think people see the real "me", the girl who's a total mess on the inside.

Matthew chapter 9 talks about a father who was frantically asking Jesus for help on behalf of his son. The father expressed skepticism in the midst of the situation.  He asked Jesus to help if He could and said, "But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!"

There are so many truths I know about God and about Scripture.  I know this adoption is the direction God would have us head for now. I know God is good, and His faithfulness will see me through this. I know that all things are possible if I believe.  I know everything will be done in God's perfect timing. I know that it is God Who does the leading and guiding and placing and the putting-all-things-together thing. Most of me believes this, yet I still cry out "help my unbelief". 

So, here's to another Monday tomorrow, putting on my big girl panties, foraging ahead, and clinging to the Savior and repeatedly taking all my crazies to Him, because He is good.